My B-side

"I'm better off Home on a Saturday Night "

At 8:28; Ab and I were running around Clean Flicks like five-year-olds at Chucky Cheese. It was time to renew our membership to a spotless-clean Hollywood. (I love oxymorons.) Garden State had been on my to-watch list for quite some while. Unfortunately it had already been snatched up for the evening; thus our options were infinite. When I saw Death to Smoochy wedged between Ella Enchanted and The Chronicles of Riddick, I just had to save it. Abby aided in the effort by a happy nod of approval. A date with Edward Norton…SCORE!!! We drove back to the D.T. Ghetto; our persona’s that of middle aged women about to see Barry Manilow live. Smoochy did not disappoint…I mean what could be better than 109 minutes of a morally sound Edward Norton ‘denting’ the world in a fuschia rhino suit? Wal-Mart, maybe? Ab and I had a Wal-Mart craving. It was 11:23; we had approximately 37 minutes to shop “legally.” The movie section found us well. We ended up scouring the place for any and every Paul Newman flick. We found Cat on a Hot Tin Roof and Abby opted to add it to her budding classic-movies collection. The time was 11:54 and all we needed was a Wal-Mart associate with cashiering skills. We found ONE, just a few minutes later than the 50 customers in front of us. We started wiggin at 11:59…it was almost Sunday!! We really didn’t want to break the Sabbath; Paul Newman isn’t worth that type of guilt. There wasn’t much we could do for our salvation though...the line was moving at the rate of my former Art History class. TORTURE!! 3 people from the front…it was fifteen minutes past a sin free weekend and we were starting to lag. So Ab, slightly props herself up on our fellow Wal-Mart shoppers cart. She wasn’t laying on the cart or anything...more like resting her hand on it. The customer (probably mid forties- Lane Bryant shopper- far too many kids- insensitive husband- the typical midlife crisis woman) whips around (her line of fire piercing Abby’s iris’) and sneers, “OH, is my cart causing you problems?!” Woah…She pulls a 180 and continues thin conversation with Wal-Mart Shopper Number 1. Ab just stares at me and then of course we break open, spilling laughter everywhere. Some people are FAR too territorial for my liking. So when Shopper 2 a.k.a. mid-life-whatever-chick had her back turned, Ab and I would spitefully touch the cart. At one point, Abby pretended to grab the cart and shove it into our new friend…bowling practice. Not 30 seconds later, our lovely foe graced us yet again with her beady eyes and a Barbie-fake smile. “Here, let’s just get this out of your way. It’s obviously causing some problems.” I couldn’t take it anymore…that WENCH!!!! “OHHH my GOOOSH, thank you soooooooo much. We REALLY appreciate it!!!!” My forged smile was the size of Texas...And knocked the plastered kindness right off her face. But she wasn’t done yet, “Yeah, I’m suuure you do.” UGH…bite the big one lady. I laughed inwardly as I watched the cashier ring up her Tampax…psh no excuse! "Midol's on aisle 5."

posted by Melissa at 03:37